Dude Quotes - page 9

Saying someone-like our president-elect-couldn't possibly be into piss because that particular kink doesn't square with a known character trait and/or aspect of his public persona is like saying a hard-driving male CEO would never pay a dominatrix to tie him up, humiliate him, and shove two dozen needles through the head of his cock because he's such a powerful guy. Or saying a feminist would never wanna have her ass slapped or her hair pulled by a male sex partner. Or saying an out-and-proud gay man would never wanna be called a faggot by the dude fucking his ass. While most powerful CEOs aren't BDSM subs and most feminists aren't into having their asses slapped and their hair pulled and most out-and-proud gay men aren't into being called faggots when they're bottoming, [...] enough of all three are for each to be a cliché. (Dan Savage)
Largo: "Chill, dude. I'm sure we'll get deported eventually. Remember that roadtrip we took to Canada?" "Actually, I was kind of hoping to avoid that experience again..." "Hey come on... we got handcuffed by real Mounties! That was cool." View quote
Megatokyo
I really like Neil a whole, whole, whole lot, and I really do not want to marry Kevin Smith, even a little. Do you remember the Trojan War, dude? I'm just saying. Can you imagine what a world war between a Neil Gaiman army and a Kevin Smith army would actually look like? Their fans are serious. I predict there would be lots of very high-fallutin', toilet-based name-calling, confusing many. And possibly foam swords swinging at hockey sticks. Actually, that's bullshit. There's no way anybody would leave their Twitter feeds for long enough to pull out a foam sword or a hockey stick. Maybe it'll be the world's first full-on digital war and people will just head over to Second Life to duke it out. I hope Neil's army wins. View quote
Neil Gaiman
People say, ‘You always play the mean Chicano dude with tattoos.' Well, I am the mean Chicano dude with tattoos...So they got it right. They're not going to cast Marky Wahlberg as the mean Mexican guy. View quote
Danny Trejo
This 'Improv' sign is all over, all the improvs have it, and in Tempe, Arizona, the sign is made out of gold. I swear to God. And the dude wasn't gonna pay me, so I stole the 'M', 'cause the 'M' seems like it weighs the most. Followed by the 'R'. Then the 'P'. The 'P' was one little thing away from being as heavy as the 'R'. So I had a gold 'M', and I asked the guy if he'd like to buy a Gold 'M'. He said "No, what the fuck do I want a gold 'M' for?" "Well how 'bout a gold 'W'?" {pause for laughter} I had a bad set here last night, and they added an 'E' to the end of the sign. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If I was the headless horseman's horse, I would fuck with that dude. "Yeah, we're going that way. We're not headed towards the hay." Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse, that would be fucking chaos. "We need a head!" Oh, I got a new headless horseman joke. I'd hate to be the headless horseman's dentist. You wouldn't make very much money. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
[It's] 2006 and pot is still controversial. That's hilarious. Pot's still illegal and no one has a jet pack. What the fuck is going on?! Isn't this Silicon Valley? Where's the jet packs, bitch?! I just wanna go up to everyone making cell phones and say, "Hey, that's small enough. Stop right there. Just keep them working." 72 inch TV? That's plenty big, dude. Just keep them working. No, you'll never get pot and you'll never get a jet pack. And you'll certainly never get the two of them at the same time. Civilization would fucking crumble. Be honest, would you work? 'Cuz I wouldn't work. Who the fuck is gonna show up for work at the mortgage company when you can smoke pot and fly?! View quote
Joe Rogan
Guys don't know they're pussy whipped until it's too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: "Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and...?" "Dude, shut the fuck up about Vegas! The fuck are you doing?! The window's open, man! She's somewhere in the city!" View quote
Joe Rogan
Tucker: I understand how female porn stars are selected, but if you are guy, and you don't have a huge cock or shoot 8-ropers, how do you get into the porn industry? Mermaid: Networking, dude, networking. Stripper: I don't know. I just fucked whoever they told me to. It paid good. Tucker: Well isn't that pleasant? I bet your parents are beaming with pride. View quote
Tucker Max
Dinosaur fossils? God put those here to test our faith." I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. Does that bother anybody else-the idea that God might be ... fucking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around, [pantomimes digging] "We'll see who believes in Me now! I am the Prankster God. I am killing Me! (Bill Hicks)