Shit Quotes - page 12
Black people dominate every physical activity in the United States of America. We're only 10% of the population, we're 90% of the Final Four. Okay? We fucking dominate all this shit! Okay? Basketball, baseball, football, boxing, track- even golf and tennis! And as soon they make a heated hockey rink, we're gonna take that shit, too. Motherfuck Wayne Gretzky. Wait 'till you see LeBron on some skates. You ain't seen shit yet! He just gonna have one skate, chilling. "What's up?" He won't even have a stick, he'll just smack the puck in with his dick. Pow! "Slapshot, bee-otch!"
Chris Rock
Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man. A good girlfriend too, it's like, "Yeah, I'll go shopping with her, but I ain't gonna leave that bitch alone with my man for five minutes, no." I remember one time, I was at a restaurant with me, my wife, and her girlfriend. And my wife gets up and goes, "Honey, I'm going to the bathroom." And I'm like, "All right, honey, I'll see you when you get back." And she goes, "No, you coming with me!" She made me come with her to the bathroom! And she did the right thing, 'cause I'd have fucked the girl; I'da fucked her. I'd have fucked her on a damn quesadilla, I didn't give a fuck.
Chris Rock
What is going on is I am being persecuted night and day by the Jews, for telling it like it is. They want to put me in jail, they're robbing me of everything I have, they're continuously lying about me. I've had enough of this shit. The latest thing they've done is I had some stuff in storage back in Pasadena for 12 years, spent a fortune on storage fees, a fortune on safes... and these God-damn Jews in America have just gone and grabbed it all.
Bobby Fischer
She calls me up and says "Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas". Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!
Kathy Griffin
Y'all can relax about that Osama bin Laden shit. I'm a handle the shit myself. Because I can't understand how they can't find the motherfucker, six foot six with a nappy beard and a towel on his head, but they can find my cousin four foot eleven in Compton. You know what I mean? The mother fucker worth half a billion dollars. Look for the cave with the satellite hook up. If a Rolls Royce is parked in front of the cave, nigga probably in there. If you walk in the cave and he got velvet paintings of Saddam Hussein, I think the nigga in there. Who the fuck they got hunting this mother fucka, Gomer Pyle?
Eddie Griffin
What is this crap, Mother, this life is short and terrible. What is this metaphysical shit, what is this disease you intelligentsia are always talking about.
First we said: Intelligentsia! Us? Oh, the way words lie down under decades, then the Union of Restless Diggers out of sheer insomnia pulls them up: daggers for the young but to us they look like flowers of nostalgia that grew in our mother's foreign garden. What did my mother say? Darling, you should have come to Town Hall last night, the whole intelligentsia was there. My uncle, strictly: the intelligentsia will never permit it.!
Grace Paley
I save about twenty drafts - that's ten meg of disc space - and the last one contains all the final alterations. Once it has been printed out and received by the publishers, there's a cry here of 'Tough shit, literary researchers of the future, try getting a proper job!' and the rest are wiped.
Terry Pratchett
I don't want to be too hard on Islam here, for two reasons: firstly because I don't want to be murdered by some hysterical, self-righteous, carpet-chewing, book-burning muppet with shit for brains. And secondly, I do think we need to make allowances for Islam, because we have to remember Islam is quite a young religion. So, maybe right now it's just going through a difficult age, a little headstrong, full of itself, thinks it knows all the answers, but I'm sure it'll learn. I think years from now, a lot of intelligent Muslims will be looking back on all this Medievalism and Jihad nonsense with embarrassment and shame, like the Germans do with the Nazis, and maybe then we can all have a good laugh about it, but in the mean time I think that any religion that demands earthly vengeance and retribution for any reason is not really a religion at all, but an illness and should be treated as such.
Pat Condell
I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980s. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.
Bill Maher
Americans tend to celebrate even the most mediocre or basic accomplishments... It's like weddings to me. Why is that a big deal?... Why do you have to have a big shindig where you're, like, "Look, we're doing it" and everybody applauds and throws shit in your face. - SModcast 1: Fisting Flipper.
Kevin Smith
Schlesinger had written the Kennedy campaign's anti-biography of Nixon for the election of 1960, and had come to the view that he was "the greatest shit in 20th century American politics (the "20th century” bit is pure scholarly caution; I cannot at the moment think of anyone in the 19th century quite meeting Nixon's combination of sanctimoniousness and squalor).”.
Christopher Hitchens
But it is not really difference the oppressor fears so much as similarity. He fears he will discover in himself the same aches, the same longings as those of the people he has shitted on. He fears the immobilization threatened by his own own incipient guilt. He fears he will have to change his life once he has seen himself in the bodies of the people he has called different. He fears the hatred, anger, and vengeance of those he has hurt.
Cherríe Moraga
Those mothafuckas is gangstas. They don't be bluffin' neither. We be thinkin' they bluffin', they won't be bluffin'. They'll be right there on National TV just...[in a stereotypical Iraqi accent] "If you are not do, what we are for say to do, tomorrow at Twelve o'clock, we're going to cut off his head." We be at the house like, [takes puff of blunt] "That's some bullshit, ain't nobody gonna cut off a mothafuckin head on National TV." Very next day at 11:59 they just" [covers the lower half of his face with his jacket, looks at the watch and knocks the mic-stand over as if beheading someone]. We be like "Shit! Play it again, play it again! SHIT!" Them mothafuckas, we can't be bullshiting with them. We gotta get our soldiers away from them mothafuckas.
Katt Williams
[marijuana dealers] Just soon they see you, just, "Nigga, nigga, nigga...nigga. You remember that shit I gave you last week, nigga? It's nothing, nigga. It's nothing. It's nothing, nigga. Nigga, it's nothing. This shit right here, nigga! This shit right here, nigga! Right here, this shit, nigga! This shit here, nigga!" Always has some fucked up name. "It's kryptachronicunnalite, nigga!" Always has some fucked up ass name. "Nigga, this shit here, nigga. This shit here, niggia. This shit's called Deaf, nigga." You be like, "Nigga, that don't even sound attractive. What the...You mean I'm gonna hit it and die, nigga? Is that what..." "No nigga, not Death, nigga, Deaf. You hit this shit twice, nigga, you can't hear shit!"
Katt Williams
A lot of people ask me stupid fucking questions. A lot of people think that what I say on records, or what I talk about on a record, that I actually do in real life, or that I believe in it, or if I say that I want to kill somebody that I'm actually gonna do it, or that I believe in it. Well, shit. If you believe that, then I'll kill you. Do you know why? Because I'm a criminal!
Eminem
