Shit Quotes - page 11
I'm goin', what the fuck am I bustin' my ass for, doin' HBO specials, doin' fuckin' concerts, when I could just write rap songs? How hard is this shit to do?! Here's my first rap single: "Lick Me Where I Fuck and Pee". There it is! My first rap hit! 'Lick Me Where I Fuck and Pee!" I got a hit! That's where it's at! I got another song, for men, especially for men, in general: 'You Call That A Fuck, You Lazy Bitch?' Oh! OH! This song is gonna go through the fuckin' roof, trust me! We're talkin' about a song that's gonna go through the roof! They'll call me Grammy Sammy after that fuckin' song. Wait! I got another one! I got another one! 'Who Farted in My New Car?' You can't stop me! Fuck MC Hammer, 'You Can't Touch This'- YOU CAN'T STOP ME! I'm a rap song writing machine now, look out!
Sam Kinison
A good part - and definitely the most fun part - of being a feminist is about frightening men. American and Australian feminists have always known this, and absorbed it cheerfully into their act; one thinks of Shere Hite julienning men on phone- in shows, or Dale Spender telling us that a good feminist is rude to a man at least three times a day on principle. Of course, there's a lot more to feminism... but scaring the shit out of scumbags is an amusing and necessary part because, sadly, a good many men still respect nothing but strength.
Julie Burchill
Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said, and I quote: "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin' back broth? You're a manly man, aren't you?
Ron White
One day, I was picking up dog turds on my front yard, and I realized something: there are 6 people who work for me full-time, so I'm slowly reevaluating everybody's position at Ron White Inc., so that next time, I won't have to be the dog-turd-picker-upper. It's a tie between my pool boy and my tax attorney...and I'm leaning towards the tax attorney. But as I'm picking up these turds, I see one that's massive, even by Sluggo's standards, which are legendary, and I know it's his, because he outshits the Scotties 2-to-1. I'm looking at this turd – I'm admiring it, really – and I begin to think there's lettering on the side of it. I go in the house and get my glasses, because I can't read shit without my glasses. [Audience laughs] And it does. It says "Midland Park Golf Course". Sluggo had eaten and shat whole a golf glove, velcro and all...I rinsed it off and been using it for three weeks.
Ron White
The worst kind of non-smoker is the one when you're smoking and they just walk up to you [mocks a person faking a cough] I always say 'shit, you're lucky you don't smoke. That's a hell of a cough you got there. I smoke all day and don't cough like that. Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm or somethin'. Maybe your dad was jackin' off and your mom sat on it at the last second.' Did I overreact? I don't think I did. I think that's kind of cruel, I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me, Jesus. Do you go up to crippled people and start dancing too, you fuck? [starts dancing] Hey Mr. Wheelchair, what's your problem? C'mon iron-side, race ya. Fuckin' sadists. I mean the nerve!
Bill Hicks
See I don't drink, I smoke. I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. [starts dancing, mimics being handcuffed and walked to police car] Hey what is this, a leather bar? Hey I'm not into this, you faggots, oh SHIT!
Bill Hicks
GG Allin: I self-mutilate, I beat the shit out of my audience, if they're in my way I take em out. I don't care about anybody or anything. When you come to my show I'm the boss, I'm the king, you do what I say. You can challenge me. I have no problem with that. I like the confrontation but you're gonna lose.
GG Allin
I want to know if the people are in the shit and I want to take the people out of the shit in which they are." – during a speech in São Luís, the capital of the Brazilian state of Maranhão. After recognizing he cursed, he stated: "Of course I cursed. Tomorrow, commentators of the major newspapers will say that Lula cursed, but I'm aware that they curse more than I do everyday, and I'm aware of how the poor people of this country live.
Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva
Rather painfully, we managed to digest Darwinian evolution so far as physical attributes were concerned within half a century of the initial controversy. (I say "we,” but if you're a Bible-thumping fundamentalist I expect you at this point to take the book by one corner at arm's length and ceremonially consign it to the place where you put most sensible ideas, along with everything else you decline to acknowledge the existence of, such as mainly shit.)
John Brunner
They dug too far into physics and it bit them. Physics will do that. It's an ungrateful piece of shit. It's a fickle lover that will always betray you. It courts you, gives you rewards, coughs up little treats like fire and the wheel, telescopes and the secret of starflight, makes you think you're worth it, that you're the special one, that you really, really matter to it....All the while it's saving up this nasty little truth: that every thought, every deed, every hope you've ever held is futile. That the universe will end, and forget itself. That there is no such thing as meaning....
"Do you believe it?” Goma asked.
"Of course I believe it. Physics doesn't give a damn about how we feel. It doesn't give a damn about a sleeping soundly in our beds, thinking we matter.
Alastair Reynolds
The cookery programmes that everybody watches are ridiculous, and so are the house programmes. You know you do not need a fish tank in the atrium you haven't got. And people now, feel under pressure to perform in their lives. Who has the time though? Who really has the time to skin the baby rabbit and dip it in the duck's tears and nail it to the garden roof and get to work with the blow torch so it has just the right texture to match the squash you made that morning using just your elbows. Who has the time? Nobody lives like this! We go around thinking that everybody else does, you know? Because what happens is you come in from work, and you think... maybe at most, if you're getting very adventurous, you will think "TONIGHT, we will eat something that has two colours in it!" BUT YOU DON'T! You end up sitting in front of the television, watching these programmes, eating bread from the bag, dipping it in anything runnier than bread, because there's isn't time for this horse shit!
Dylan Moran
For a moment Luke stayed where he was, thinking that if he remained perfectly still and perfectly silent, the man would decide he'd been mistaken and go away. But that was childish thinking, and he was no longer a child. Not even close. So he crept out and tried to stand, but his legs were stiff and his head was light. He would have fallen over if the white guy hadn't grabbed him. "Holy shit, kid, who tore your ear off?"
Stephen King
Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! ... I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! ... Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! ... Blind the bitch, blind the bitch, blind the bitch, blind the bitch with cum!"
Chris Rock
