Jokes Quotes - page 20

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes. (Paul Rudd)
Jeff, you bloated hack! Your jokes are so old, they know who George Hamilton is. View quote
Greg Giraldo
From as long as, literally as far back as I can remember I've liked puns, word jokes, I can literally recall looking at a comic at the age of six or seven and I remember what I enjoyed and what it was precisely and how the joke worked. View quote
Tom Stoppard
Up until college age I was using the typical little-boy dummy that sits on the knee and makes woodpecker jokes. My first original character didn't happen until later, and that was Jose the Jalapeno on a Stick. View quote
Jeff Dunham
I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes. View quote
Billy Connolly
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended. View quote
Billy Connolly
We should have stories in common, I found myself thinking. We should have stories, and jokes no one understands, and memories that we know will stay alive because neither of us will let the other forget. View quote
Kamila Shamsie
The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine that vein a lot. This isn't just common to me; it's anybody who's funny. View quote
Bill Bryson
I don't want to go and start trying to make jokes in places like India, Tanzania or Iraq. Afghanistan is not a funny place. View quote
Bill Bryson
Men always made crude jokes about people pissing their pants with fear, but in Sokolov's experience, shitting the pants was more common if it was a straightforward matter of extreme emotional stress. Pants pissing was completely unproductive and suggested a total breakdown of elemental control. Pants shitting, on the other hand, voided the bowels and thereby made blood available to the brain and the large muscle groups that otherwise would have gone to the lower-priority activity of digestion. Sokolov could have forgiven Peter for shitting his pants, but if he had pissed his pants, then it really would have been necessary to get rid of him. View quote
Neal Stephenson
To me, the highest expression of life is art with jokes. It's very rarified, very difficult to accomplish if you want to be more than just funny and more than just jokes about human gaseousness. (Neil Peart)
My greatest regret as a writer is that I've never been able to include as many jokes as I'd like. View quote
Robert Harris (novelist)
If you let go of fart jokes, you've let go of a piece of humanity. View quote
Andy Samberg
The town is divided into various groups, which form so many little states, each with its own laws and customs, its jargon and its jokes. View quote
Jean de La Bruyère
For 35 years, I was a writer. I wrote a lot of jokes. Some of them weren't funny. Some of them weren't appropriate. Some of them were downright offensive. I understand that. View quote
Al Franken
One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably. View quote
John Hodgman
Horse-play, romping, frequent and loud fits of laughter, jokes, and indiscriminate familiarity, will sink both merit and knowledge into a degree of contempt. They compose at most a merry fellow and a merry fellow was never yet a respectable man. View quote
Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield
It is by vivacity and wit that man shines in company but trite jokes and loud laughter reduce him to a buffoon. View quote
Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield
I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did. View quote
Marty Feldman
I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself. View quote
Sam Kinison
How you speak and the words you use tell much about the image you choose to portray. Use language to build and uplift those around you. Profane, vulgar, or crude language and inappropriate or off-color jokes are offensive to the Lord. Never misuse the name of God or Jesus Christ. The Lord said, 'Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain' (Ex. 207). (Thomas S. Monson)
I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd. View quote
Paula Poundstone
Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice. View quote
Maria Bamford
I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. View quote
Rita Rudner
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out. View quote
Ron White