Joke Quotes - page 35
Living is a pretty grim joke, but a joke just the same. The entire function of man is to survive. The outermost limit of endeavour is creative work. Anything less is too close to simple survival until death happens along. So I am engaged in striving to maintain equilibrium sufficient to at least realize survival in a way to astound the gods. I turned the thing up so it's up to me to survive in a big way . . . Foolishly perhaps, but determined none the less, I have high hopes of smashing my name into history so violently that it will take a legendary form even if all books are destroyed.
L. Ron Hubbard
If I was the headless horseman's horse, I would fuck with that dude. "Yeah, we're going that way. We're not headed towards the hay." Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse, that would be fucking chaos. "We need a head!" Oh, I got a new headless horseman joke. I'd hate to be the headless horseman's dentist. You wouldn't make very much money.
Mitch Hedberg
A man severe he was, and stern to view;
I knew him well, and every truant knew:
Well had the boding tremblers learned to trace
The day's disasters in his morning face;
Full well they laughed with counterfeited glee,
At all his jokes, for many a joke had he;
Full well the bust whisper, circling round,
Conveyed the dismal tidings when he frowned;
Yet he was kind; or if severe in aught,
The love he bore to learning was in fault;
The village all declared how much he knew;
'Twas certain he could write, and cipher too.
Oliver Goldsmith
Like most people, the English have therefore had their fair share of slavery throughout history. But to say this in some circles today has become a revolutionary act; something John Cleese has recently learned. Our Leftist elites wish to keep this history buried so they can continue with their reparation shakedowns and other anti-white initiatives. And they will punish anyone who tries to subvert this by telling the truth - even if all he's doing is telling a joke.
John Cleese
It's that weird magic of if you sing a song you're connecting to emotionally, it's going to trick me into feeling my emotions. I'm not feeling your [pain], I don't know what happened to you, but you have just tricked me into feeling my own pain and my own emotions and that is an amazing thing. That's this miraculous thing about music. Film can do it too, art can do it, but music does it great. That's where making an album like this ['Higher Truth'] is exciting and special. The downside is you pretty much have to do it on every song. You don't get a free pass unless you write a joke song, which I'm not good at. If I wrote like the [Beatles'] ballad ‘Rocky Raccoon' or something I could get away from it for a second. A song about a raccoon that gets in a gun fight.
Chris Cornell
I'd like to be remembered as someone who kept the comic novel going for another generation or so. I fear the comic novel is in retreat. A joke is by definition politically incorrect - it assumes a butt, and a certain superiority in the teller. The culture won't put up with that for much longer.
Martin Amis
Hey, this is a joke that I wrote a long time ago. I actually, I really really, wrote this joke. [Following in reverse] So I'm walking down the street, right? And I saw this prostitute, right? And I said, 'How much?' She said, 'For $300, I'll do anything you want.' I said, 'Bitch, paint my house!'
Chris Rock
Don't talk to me about your hideous reality! What does it mean - reality? Some see things black, others blue - the multitude sees them brute-fashion. There is nothing less natural than Michael Angelo; there is nothing more powerful! The anxiety about eternal truth is a mark of contemporary baseness; and art will become, if things go on in that way, a sort of poor joke as much below religion as it is below poetry, and as much below politics as it is below business. You will never reach its end - yes, its end! - which is to cause within us an impersonal exaltation, with petty works, in spite of all your finished execution.
Gustave Flaubert
She is brave, beautiful, loyal, kind and generous. She is never boring and is as lovely looking in a GI shirt, pants and combat boots as she is at night or on the screen. She has an honesty and a comic and tragic sense of life that never let her be truly happy unless she loves. When she loves she can joke about it; but it is gallows humor.
Marlene Dietrich
(On Timothy McVeigh references) In terms of DOKTOR SLEEPLESS (I don't remember much of TRANSMET), it's just a nod to how quickly we assimilate our monsters. How many years was it between Charlie Manson being the terror of California and Charlie Manson being an image on joke t-shirts? I have a shirt somewhere with a pic of his face and, underneath it, the words CHARLIE DON'T SURF. Hitler's a cartoon figure now. Eminem dressed up as bin Laden within a couple of years of 9/11. It's interesting to me how we defang our nightmares -- by mocking them, but also by wearing their skins.
Warren Ellis
I came for one simple, basic reason - not a joke: to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your service. Thank you for who you are. And thank you for what you're doing.
And as my grandfather would say every time I walked out of his house - he'd yell at me, "Joey” - in Scranton - he said, "Keep the faith.” And my grandmother - my grandmother would yell, all kidding aside - this is serious - she'd yell, "No, spread it.” You're spreading the faith.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you all and keep you safe. May God protect our troops.
Joe Biden
Chico_Fernández, Roberto and myself, the three of us palled around. We went out to eat, we went to the movies together, we laughed and we joked. Oh yeah, he was funny. The three of us, we just laughed all the time. See, we joked amongst ourselves. Some people think because you're colored, they've got the stereotype that we're like those guys in the old days – always cracking jokes. I'm not a joke cracker. Clemente wasn't either, but we could say things now and then that were funny and we could ad lib things.
Roberto Clemente
He was over all the time, all the time! He would stand outside and playfully throw rocks at the house. Roberto would always tease me. He liked to tell me that I couldn't cook. I couldn't cook. He and Curtis would sit there and eat half-cooked food, playing cards and drinking beer, pop, lemonade, whatever. Roberto loved to joke, he was really just a big kid. [...] Roberto and Curt were very close. Roberto would stay at the house all day long until it was time to go to the ballpark. Roberto and Curt would sit around and talk and joke in Spanish. Robert [sic] would look at me with that boyish smile ... he liked to make me think they were joking about me, or talking about some other girl. But he would always break down laughing, and tell me what he and Curtis had been saying. Roberto naturally gravitated to someone who could understand him. Even though we were all kids back then, I think Roberto looked at Curtis as something of a mentor.
Roberto Clemente
I suppose you imagined I was so insanely in love with you that I could commit any folly. When will you women understand that one isn't insanely in love? All one asks for is a quiet life, which you won't allow one to have. I don't know what the devil ever induced me to marry you. It was all a damned stupid, practical joke. And now you go about saying I'm a murderer. I won't stand it.
Aldous Huxley
