Asking Quotes - page 42
I didn't speak any English when I arrived here [but] I was very good at drinking. [It was my] third day in the U.S., so I talked to the other students, 'Let's have a drink.' They said, 'How can you get the drinks? We are not allowed?' And I said, 'I can buy it in Chinatown.' So I bought it and we drank in my room and we get crazy all night long and they don't have enough tolerance for that, so they all starting throwing up. Suddenly there came four or five ambulances and they kept asking, 'Hey, why, did you do that?' My English was really horrible, so the only words I had were, 'Not me!
Psy
Nobody ever wrote so well so fast as Jim. One year he wrote, and we published, nine novels. It was an obsession. Back in 1941, his father had been in an asylum in Oklahoma City, begging Jim to get him out. Jim needed money to get him out, so he said to his father, "Give me a month, and I'll raise the money." His father brightened, because Jim never went back on his word. Jim took a bus to New York City and went door to door to the publishing houses, asking for money for a hotel room, a rented typewriter and meals so he could write a novel. Finally, at Modern Age, they took a chance, and in 10 days he wrote a novel. But things being what they are in publishing, it was a month plus one day before Jim got his advance. The same day, a telegram arrived. His father had committed suicide, ripping the excelsior out of his mattress and stuffing it down his throat. When Jim would drink he would sometimes cry and say, "Why couldn't he have waited another day? Didn't he trust me?"
Arnold Hano
Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to.... To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear."
Jerry Seinfeld