Funny Quotes - page 99

I didn't just start doing this today. Not like some people that have a movie coming out, so they go visit kids in the hospital. You don't need that phony crap. All of these celebrities, they turn my stomach with their funny stuff. I've been going in the ghettos without the press, without bodyguards, talking to kids. "Get to reading, stay in school. You don't have to carry a gun." I know about peer pressure and all that, but I say, "Hey, they called me a sissy because I wouldn't join a gang. Who was calling me a sissy? Does it make me a sissy because somebody called me a sissy?" [...] I'm going to fight if you touch me or hurt me or do harm to my family. But if you call me a bad name, or whatnot, I'm too smart for that. That's the message the kids need to hear coming from me. I tell them, "If I fought every time somebody called me a name, I would never get out of jail. But I'm disciplined. I'm smarter than that." So I tell them, like my mother said, "Consider the source." (Mr. T)
I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny. View quote
Jeff Dunham
Whoever said "Wagner's music isn't as bad as it sounds" was as wrong as he was funny, but there is surely a case for saying that the story of Captain Ahab's contest with the great white whale is one of those books you can't get started with even after you have finished reading them. View quote
Clive James
I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it - which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, 'There was a funny 'Simpson's' joke about that.' View quote
Joss Whedon
For a culture that has such a problem with death, we seem to deal with it in a quite bizarre way. We see people shot, killed and blown up, and we find it funny and sexy and all those things. But, the reality of it is that every day people die, and people are really sad and they grieve and they go through a really difficult process with it. View quote
Michael Sheen
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose. View quote
David Spade
It's funny because it's funny. View quote
David Spade
But if you want to think about something really funny, consider how the titles of tyrants change. We shall suffer no more Emperors, Kings, Czars, Shahs, or Caesars, to lop off our limbs and burn our homes, kiddo, defile our women and bugger our boys; the masses make such appointments now; the masses love tyranny; they demand it; they dance to it; they feel that their hand is forming the First Citizen's Fist; so we shall murder more modestly in future: beneath the banners of Il Duce, Der Führer, the General Secretary or the Party Chairman, the CEO of something. I suspect that the first dictator of this country will be called Coach. View quote
William H. Gass
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. View quote
Elayne Boosler
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. View quote
Elayne Boosler
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. (Elayne Boosler)
My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine. View quote
Flip Wilson
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone. View quote
Flip Wilson
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead. View quote
Flip Wilson
The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine that vein a lot. This isn't just common to me; it's anybody who's funny. View quote
Bill Bryson
I'm not funny in person. I mean I'm really not. I'm one of those people who always screw up anecdotes. View quote
Bill Bryson
In a funny way, nothing makes you feel more like a native of your own country than to live where nearly everyone is not. View quote
Bill Bryson
I don't want to go and start trying to make jokes in places like India, Tanzania or Iraq. Afghanistan is not a funny place. View quote
Bill Bryson
I like idolator.com a lot. Every once in a while they shred me on there, but it's usually pretty funny. View quote
Peter Wentz
Sex can be funny, but not very sexy. View quote
Martin Amis
Everything seems fine until you're about 40. Then something is definitely beginning to go wrong. And you look in the mirror with your old habit of thinking, 'While I accept that everyone grows old and dies, it's a funny thing, but I'm an exception to that rule. (Martin Amis)
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work. View quote
Denis Leary
You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't. View quote
Denis Leary
What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny. View quote
Denis Leary
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish. View quote
Denis Leary