The experience of my five years made me feel that things were futile so I decided that if I bumped down the stone kitchen steps from top to bottom ... I would probably be dead at the end. I did not succeed ... As I went on in life, I made two other efforts to put an end to things, only to discover it is a very difficult thing to commit suicide. All of these attempts were made before I was fifteen. I tried to smother myself with sand when I was around eleven years old, but sand in one's mouth, nose and eyes is not comfortable and I decided to postpone the happy day... But again the instinct to self-preservation was too strong. Since then I have not been very interested in suicide, though I have always understood the impulse.