Babies aren't dishwasher-safe. (Daniel Tosh)

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Daniel Tosh

More Daniel Tosh quotes

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods. View quote
Daniel Tosh
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. View quote
Daniel Tosh
We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? View quote
Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? View quote
Daniel Tosh
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it. View quote
Daniel Tosh