Paul Merton quotes

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. (Paul Merton)

It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness.

Paul Merton

The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear.

Paul Merton

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

Paul Merton

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

Paul Merton

At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.'

Paul Merton

In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.

Paul Merton

I have never sold my story, done 'Hello!' magazine, any of that stuff. I'm not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, 'Oh, I don't want to talk about my private life.' I've never crossed that line.

Paul Merton

Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.

Paul Merton

Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.

Paul Merton

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't? (Paul Merton)

When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

Paul Merton

When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.

Paul Merton

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

Paul Merton

I read every book about Buster Keaton and Chaplin to see how they worked - it's all about dedication, tunnel vision, pursuit of perfection, getting the gag right.

Paul Merton

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

Paul Merton

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Paul Merton

It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection.

Paul Merton

I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.

Paul Merton

I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.

Paul Merton

I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it. (Paul Merton)

When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.

Paul Merton

If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

Paul Merton

I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.

Paul Merton