Demetri Martin quotes

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. (Demetri Martin)
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral. View quote
Demetri Martin
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' View quote
Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. View quote
Demetri Martin
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' View quote
Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' View quote
Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. View quote
Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. View quote
Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. View quote
Demetri Martin
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. View quote
Demetri Martin
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. (Demetri Martin)
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. View quote
Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. View quote
Demetri Martin
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' View quote
Demetri Martin
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. View quote
Demetri Martin
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. View quote
Demetri Martin
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. View quote
Demetri Martin
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. View quote
Demetri Martin
I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone. View quote
Demetri Martin
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. View quote
Demetri Martin
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. (Demetri Martin)
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. View quote
Demetri Martin
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' View quote
Demetri Martin
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. View quote
Demetri Martin
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. View quote
Demetri Martin