Conan O'Brien quotes - page 2

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. (Conan O'Brien)
President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. View quote
Conan O'Brien
In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. View quote
Conan O'Brien
In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. View quote
Conan O'Brien
In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. View quote
Conan O'Brien
The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.' (Conan O'Brien)
Fish recognize a bad leader. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. View quote
Conan O'Brien
The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration. View quote
Conan O'Brien
I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. View quote
Conan O'Brien
If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people willthink you're drunk. View quote
Conan O'Brien
No charm, no humor, no wit -- and a personality which can only be described as 'icky.' View quote
Conan O'Brien
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. (Conan O'Brien)
One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. View quote
Conan O'Brien
A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over 110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years. View quote
Conan O'Brien
According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here. View quote
Conan O'Brien
Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me. View quote
Conan O'Brien