Alan King quotes

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. (Alan King)
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? View quote
Alan King
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life. View quote
Alan King
My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.' View quote
Alan King
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating. View quote
Alan King
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat! View quote
Alan King
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. View quote
Alan King
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look. View quote
Alan King
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted. View quote
Alan King
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom. View quote
Alan King
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. (Alan King)
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke. View quote
Alan King
I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special. View quote
Alan King
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something. View quote
Alan King
I was a high school throw-out. View quote
Alan King
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify. View quote
Alan King
If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny. View quote
Alan King
Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business. View quote
Alan King
Modesty is not one of my virtues. View quote
Alan King
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going. View quote
Alan King
I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me. (Alan King)
My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins. View quote
Alan King
I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice. View quote
Alan King
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about. View quote
Alan King
That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about. View quote
Alan King