Justin Halpern quotes

The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of. (Justin Halpern)

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.

Justin Halpern

I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently.

Justin Halpern

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

Justin Halpern

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

Justin Halpern

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.

Justin Halpern

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

Justin Halpern

The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

Justin Halpern

On My First Driving Lesson "First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?...Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that's not moving makes you an asshole.

Justin Halpern

People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.

Justin Halpern

On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it. (Justin Halpern)

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

Justin Halpern

What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part.

Justin Halpern

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

Justin Halpern

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Justin Halpern

I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.

Justin Halpern

Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.

Justin Halpern

You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit.

Justin Halpern

My dad is awesome.

Justin Halpern

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

Justin Halpern

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him. (Justin Halpern)

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.

Justin Halpern

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Justin Halpern

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.

Justin Halpern