Phyllis Diller quotes - page 2

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. (Phyllis Diller)
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' View quote
Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. View quote
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. View quote
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. View quote
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. View quote
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. (Phyllis Diller)
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. View quote
Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. View quote
Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. View quote
Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? View quote
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. View quote
Phyllis Diller
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. View quote
Phyllis Diller
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. View quote
Phyllis Diller
My father used to call me the laughing hyena. View quote
Phyllis Diller
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. (Phyllis Diller)
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. View quote
Phyllis Diller
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. View quote
Phyllis Diller
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. View quote
Phyllis Diller