Phyllis Diller quotes

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. (Phyllis Diller)
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? View quote
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. View quote
Phyllis Diller
A terrible thing happened to me last night again-nothing. View quote
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. View quote
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. View quote
Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. View quote
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. (Phyllis Diller)
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough. View quote
Phyllis Diller
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. View quote
Phyllis Diller
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. View quote
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. View quote
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. View quote
Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. View quote
Phyllis Diller
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. (Phyllis Diller)
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. View quote
Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. View quote
Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. View quote
Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. View quote
Phyllis Diller