Phyllis Diller quotes

Phyllis Diller was an American comedian, actress, and writer, best known for her eccentric stage persona and self-deprecating humor. Her wild hair, distinctive laugh, and jokes about her fictional husband "Fang" made her a trailblazer for women in stand-up comedy. She inspired generations of comedians and broke barriers for female performers in the entertainment industry. Here are 55 of her quotes:

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

A terrible thing happened to me last night again-nothing.

Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Phyllis Diller

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Phyllis Diller

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Phyllis Diller