Andy Borowitz quotes

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. (Andy Borowitz)
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting. View quote
Andy Borowitz
You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun. View quote
Andy Borowitz
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence. View quote
Andy Borowitz
The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death. (Andy Borowitz)
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions. View quote
Andy Borowitz
The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil. View quote
Andy Borowitz
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that. View quote
Andy Borowitz
If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years. View quote
Andy Borowitz
A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know. (Andy Borowitz)
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. View quote
Andy Borowitz
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people" View quote
Andy Borowitz
Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads. View quote
Andy Borowitz
We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS. View quote
Andy Borowitz