Artemus Ward quotes

Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness? (Artemus Ward)
I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am. View quote
Artemus Ward
...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to. View quote
Artemus Ward
N.B. This is rote sarcastikul. View quote
Artemus Ward
The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over. View quote
Artemus Ward
I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. View quote
Artemus Ward
I now bid you a welcome adoo. View quote
Artemus Ward
Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrer [sic] money to do it with. View quote
Artemus Ward
I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also. View quote
Artemus Ward
They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it. View quote
Artemus Ward
Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many? (Artemus Ward)
The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste. View quote
Artemus Ward
The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen. View quote
Artemus Ward
The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his. View quote
Artemus Ward
He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life." View quote
Artemus Ward
It ain't so much what people don't know that hurts as what they know that ain't so. View quote
Artemus Ward
When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money. View quote
Artemus Ward
It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us into trouble, it's the things we do know that just ain't so. View quote
Artemus Ward
My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character. View quote
Artemus Ward
I prefer temperance hotels - although they sell worse kinds of liquor than any other kind of hotels. View quote
Artemus Ward
Why care for grammar as long as we are good? (Artemus Ward)
I am happiest when I am idle. I could live for months without performing any kind of labor, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more months. View quote
Artemus Ward
The fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us. View quote
Artemus Ward
Draw your salary before spending it. View quote
Artemus Ward