David Sedaris quotes - page 4

I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. (David Sedaris)
Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. View quote
David Sedaris
I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. View quote
David Sedaris
He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face. View quote
David Sedaris
She's afraid to tell me anything important, knowing I'll only turn around and write about it. In my mind, I'm like a friendly junkman, building things from the little pieces of scrap I find here and there, but my family's started to see things differently. Their personal lives are the so-called pieces of scrap I so casually pick up, and they're sick of it. More and more often their stories begin with the line "You have to swear you'll never repeat this." I always promise, but it's generally understood that my word means nothing. View quote
David Sedaris
there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring. View quote
David Sedaris
People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' View quote
David Sedaris
I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. View quote
David Sedaris
Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. View quote
David Sedaris
If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. View quote
David Sedaris
Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at. (David Sedaris)
whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like. View quote
David Sedaris
In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, "Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl." View quote
David Sedaris
It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America. View quote
David Sedaris
Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like. View quote
David Sedaris
On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind. View quote
David Sedaris
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers. View quote
David Sedaris
Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it. View quote
David Sedaris
I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed. View quote
David Sedaris
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto. View quote
David Sedaris
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. (David Sedaris)
All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints. View quote
David Sedaris
Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute. View quote
David Sedaris
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking.. View quote
David Sedaris
And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware. View quote
David Sedaris