David Sedaris quotes

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. (David Sedaris)
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of the these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
David Sedaris
They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.
David Sedaris
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
David Sedaris
But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.
David Sedaris
It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'
David Sedaris
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.
David Sedaris
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.
David Sedaris
If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.
David Sedaris
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris
If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve. (David Sedaris)
At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.
David Sedaris
I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.
David Sedaris
I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books.
David Sedaris
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.
David Sedaris
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
David Sedaris
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
David Sedaris
Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.
David Sedaris
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
David Sedaris
Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.
David Sedaris
All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments. (David Sedaris)
You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.
David Sedaris
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
David Sedaris
It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection."
David Sedaris
I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking.
David Sedaris