Paula Poundstone quotes

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. (Paula Poundstone)

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Paula Poundstone

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up 'cause they're looking for ideas.

Paula Poundstone

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.

Paula Poundstone

I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?

Paula Poundstone

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.

Paula Poundstone

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

Paula Poundstone

They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.

Paula Poundstone

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

Paula Poundstone

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled. (Paula Poundstone)

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

Paula Poundstone

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

Paula Poundstone

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

Paula Poundstone

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

Paula Poundstone

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

Paula Poundstone

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Paula Poundstone

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

Paula Poundstone

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

Paula Poundstone

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats. (Paula Poundstone)

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

Paula Poundstone

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

Paula Poundstone

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

Paula Poundstone

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

Paula Poundstone

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