Karl Pilkington quotes

Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard. (Karl Pilkington)
It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.
Karl Pilkington
They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?
Karl Pilkington
They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.
Karl Pilkington
If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.
Karl Pilkington
I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.
Karl Pilkington
I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.
Karl Pilkington
A problem solved is a problem caused.
Karl Pilkington
People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?
Karl Pilkington
I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.
Karl Pilkington
Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer. (Karl Pilkington)
The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now.
Karl Pilkington
[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water.
Karl Pilkington
I could eat a knob at night.
Karl Pilkington
Treat the world like a head.
Karl Pilkington
Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.
Karl Pilkington
Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
Karl Pilkington
The Web is the new book though, innit?
Karl Pilkington
They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.
Karl Pilkington
It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.
Karl Pilkington
Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again... (Karl Pilkington)
If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?
Karl Pilkington
At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?
Karl Pilkington
Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.
Karl Pilkington
That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.
Karl Pilkington