Emo Philips quotes - page 2

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. (Emo Philips)
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. View quote
Emo Philips
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill. View quote
Emo Philips
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. View quote
Emo Philips
Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball. View quote
Emo Philips
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. View quote
Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. View quote
Emo Philips
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. View quote
Emo Philips
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading. View quote
Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day. View quote
Emo Philips
I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that. (Emo Philips)
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. View quote
Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. View quote
Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. View quote
Emo Philips
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. View quote
Emo Philips
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. View quote
Emo Philips
I'm a great lover, I'll bet. View quote
Emo Philips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. View quote
Emo Philips
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? View quote
Emo Philips
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. View quote
Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. (Emo Philips)
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by. View quote
Emo Philips
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. View quote
Emo Philips
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. View quote
Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. View quote
Emo Philips