Emo Philips quotes

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. (Emo Philips)
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. View quote
Emo Philips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. View quote
Emo Philips
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. View quote
Emo Philips
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. View quote
Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' View quote
Emo Philips
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. View quote
Emo Philips
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse. View quote
Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. View quote
Emo Philips
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi. View quote
Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." (Emo Philips)
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. View quote
Emo Philips
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' View quote
Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. View quote
Emo Philips
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them 800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference. View quote
Emo Philips
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. View quote
Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" View quote
Emo Philips
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. View quote
Emo Philips
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster. View quote
Emo Philips
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. View quote
Emo Philips
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..." (Emo Philips)
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets... View quote
Emo Philips
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. View quote
Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. View quote
Emo Philips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. View quote
Emo Philips