Patton Oswalt quotes

I was thinking the other day about a time machine...and the first thing I thought of doing if I actually had a time machine, is that I would go back in time to about 1993 or '94, and kill George Lucas with a shovel. (Patton Oswalt)
If the standard for being impeached is 'getting a blowjob' or 'covering up a burglary', then shouldn't Bush have been executed by now? View quote
Patton Oswalt
Based on my own experience, when you're going through adolescence you don't know how the world works. You can't set a story in the world you live in because you don't know what a utility bill is, or how to budget your paycheck. View quote
Patton Oswalt
So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, 'The good outnumber you, and we always will.' View quote
Patton Oswalt
I think the kind of person that gravitates toward New York is a person that's not so much focused on controlling exactly how they appear and how they exit. They're more fascinated with the process. View quote
Patton Oswalt
If they've really caught the #GoldenStateKiller I hope I get to visit him. Not to gloat or gawk - to ask him the questions that @TrueCrimeDiary wanted answered in her "Letter To An Old Man” at the end of #IllBeGoneInTheDark. View quote
Patton Oswalt
My dong is super-friendly and loves getting rubbed by children. #CareerEndingTwitterTypos. View quote
Patton Oswalt
If another one of my Whole-Foods friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. View quote
Patton Oswalt
The angry "@" tweets from my hammer toed followers opened my eyes. "Pedo-phobe" shaming hurts us all. I am a PROUD pedophile! View quote
Patton Oswalt
In this age of cynicism, bipartisanship and personal cowardice, it's refreshing to find a group of people willing to die for what they believe. View quote
Patton Oswalt
A lot of nerds aren't aware they're nerds. A geek has thrown his hands up to the universe and gone, 'I speak Klingon - who am I fooling? You win! I'm just gonna openly like what I like.' Geeks tend to be a little happier with themselves. (Patton Oswalt)
[on KFC's Famous Bowls] I just want kind of a light brown hillock of glop. If you could put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, and then put it into a caulking gun and inject it right into my femoral artery, even better! But until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl! View quote
Patton Oswalt
There are times when I have to take, I call it a "silence bath,” where I shut off all of the external gadgets. I go walk around, talk to people, and just live life for a while. View quote
Patton Oswalt
If I were to just focus on stand-up, I could actually, paradoxically enough, be home way more, because I would leave on a Friday, go do a couple theaters Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, come home. View quote
Patton Oswalt
When you act, you're being asked to pretend in a very rigid, controlled environment. It's very un-childlike. So a lot of times, when you put kids in that situation, you hope they have a better support system outside of what they're doing to bring them back to reality at the end of the day and to keep them well-rounded. View quote
Patton Oswalt
Now we live in this DVD, iTunes, Hulu age, and show creators and networks are realizing that and letting shows develop on those terms rather than 'We gotta just punch it week to week, man.' Now they're like, 'What will happen if someone watches the entire show?' View quote
Patton Oswalt
There's all kinds of those moments in your life where either through a weird set of circumstances, or a song you hear, or a smell you smell, or one person says something totally out of the context without the meaning that you assigned to it, but you snap back to the way you were when you were 14 or 15. We all deal with that. View quote
Patton Oswalt
As much as I know people love the method and what you can draw out of yourself, a lot of acting is very imaginative. View quote
Patton Oswalt
I really had to imagine the kind of person that I would have been if I had never left my hometown. I don't think I would have been a very pleasant person. View quote
Patton Oswalt
I look pretty nondescript. I don't go out of my way to... I don't express my personality with my clothes, with my car or my, you know, house. I express with my personality; so as far as what I wear - I don't really care about that. View quote
Patton Oswalt
I've had some pretty good arguments with people, but I've never regretted it. I've had people come up where it's all emotion and no fact. That's always sad. (Patton Oswalt)
I'm still very much an atheist, except that I don't necessarily see religion as being a bad thing. So, that's a weird thing that I'm struggling with that seems to be offending both atheists and people that are religious. View quote
Patton Oswalt
We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago. View quote
Patton Oswalt
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil. View quote
Patton Oswalt
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins. View quote
Patton Oswalt