John Oliver (comedian) quotes

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends: They're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there. (John Oliver (comedian))
I started looking into these groups in America, campaigns groups who want to put stickers on the front of all school science text books saying that Evolution is only one possible theory of life on earth. Now, although this seems like a stupid idea at first, second, and thirty ninth glance, look at it once more. Give it that fortieth view. Because it's brilliant. Let's have stickers on the front of all books! Slap one on the front of the Bible saying "Of course this could all be bullsh*t. Maybe he never died! Perhaps he opened a donkey sanctuary. He had a clear bond with donkeys." Or slap one on the Theory of Gravity! "Look, that's just one man's opinion. Maybe we could all fly! R. Kelly believed it so. Why would he lie to us? What does he possibly stand to gain?"
John Oliver (comedian)
In science, you don't just get to cherry-pick the parts that justify what you were going to do anyway! That's religion! You're thinking of religion.
John Oliver (comedian)
When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, you might not be a non-profit anymore.
John Oliver (comedian)
Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.
John Oliver (comedian)
Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper.
John Oliver (comedian)
I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.
John Oliver (comedian)
We in Britain stopped evolving gastronomically with the advent of the pie. Everything beyond that seemed like a brave, frightening new world. We knew the French were up to something across the Channel, but we didn't want anything to do with it.
John Oliver (comedian)
Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
John Oliver (comedian)
But if you think it's going to get any better, let me burst that bubble of optimism now because I was fortunate enough last year to be invited to the First Republican Presidential Candidate Debate in Simi Valley in California, which, interestingly, was exactly as much fun as it sounds. But it was, obviously a privilege to be there and I did get to witness one incredible moment of political theater when all, at that point, ten of the potential leaders of the free world were asked the same question. And that question was "Who here doesn't believe in evolution?" And three of those men raised their hands. And then none of those three men put their hands down and said "Only joking."
John Oliver (comedian)
As far as I can see, this is a system that has enriched multiple companies and that pays and fires teachers with a cattle birthing formula, confuses children with talking pineapples, and has the same kind of rules regarding transparency as Brad Pitt had for Fight Club. (John Oliver (comedian))
... we were in a situation where, in the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the President's command would theoretically have gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would've then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would've then needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to go grab an LP-sized floppy disk and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it.
John Oliver (comedian)
He is truly one of the most revolting humans (minions) I have ever seen. In a way, there is no more fitting spokesman for the Trump administration than an entitled, elitist arsehole who refuses to take responsibility for the messes he makes, and who can somehow pick a fight with the Statue of Liberty.
John Oliver (comedian)
Lest we forget, when Europe goes far right, they go far right through Belgium.
John Oliver (comedian)
Many people would argue that the most dangerous inhabitant of the earth is currently the self styled 43rd president of the United States. Not so much in deed anymore as in word. Because to hear that man speak is to wish upon yourself physical harm.
John Oliver (comedian)
You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.
John Oliver (comedian)
John Oliver: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean that there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you? Stephen Hawking: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.
John Oliver (comedian)
For the record if someone did that to me I'd hitch a ride to the International Space Station straight away; of course who am I kidding, they would never let me in, I've got spiders for hands! Internet is mean!
John Oliver (comedian)
It's like catching an ice cream cone out of the air because a child was hit by a car.
John Oliver (comedian)
Britain is basically Pompeii if Pompeii had voted for the volcano.
John Oliver (comedian)
It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge. (John Oliver (comedian))
Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.
John Oliver (comedian)
I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.
John Oliver (comedian)
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
John Oliver (comedian)
There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.
John Oliver (comedian)