Dylan Moran quotes

I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss. (Dylan Moran)
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?' View quote
Dylan Moran
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits. View quote
Dylan Moran
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move your eyes down to where your nipples used to be, put your breasts up on your head, everybody will pay attention! View quote
Dylan Moran
You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead! View quote
Dylan Moran
Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats! View quote
Dylan Moran
I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently-I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now. View quote
Dylan Moran
Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time. View quote
Dylan Moran
I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling. View quote
Dylan Moran
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels. View quote
Dylan Moran
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice." (Dylan Moran)
Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you. View quote
Dylan Moran
And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else. View quote
Dylan Moran
Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!" View quote
Dylan Moran
You see the button with the picture of the guy with the plate, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land. It's my Wizard-Of-Oz phone." View quote
Dylan Moran
Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two. View quote
Dylan Moran
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate. View quote
Dylan Moran
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them. View quote
Dylan Moran
I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies. View quote
Dylan Moran
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is! View quote
Dylan Moran
Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you're not really there when you're taking the picture ‘cause you're too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren't and tell yourself you had a good time. (Dylan Moran)
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance! View quote
Dylan Moran
You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows. View quote
Dylan Moran
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette... unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. View quote
Dylan Moran
Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation. View quote
Dylan Moran