Dennis Miller quotes - page 2

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we? (Dennis Miller)
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. View quote
Dennis Miller
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. View quote
Dennis Miller
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. View quote
Dennis Miller
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. View quote
Dennis Miller
Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. View quote
Dennis Miller
For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs. View quote
Dennis Miller
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head. View quote
Dennis Miller
You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies. View quote
Dennis Miller
South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide! View quote
Dennis Miller
Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix. (Dennis Miller)
[T]he man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?" View quote
Dennis Miller
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel. View quote
Dennis Miller
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. View quote
Dennis Miller
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. View quote
Dennis Miller
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. View quote
Dennis Miller
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. View quote
Dennis Miller
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. View quote
Dennis Miller
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. View quote
Dennis Miller
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. View quote
Dennis Miller
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. (Dennis Miller)
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. View quote
Dennis Miller
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. View quote
Dennis Miller
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz. View quote
Dennis Miller
And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee. View quote
Dennis Miller