Dennis Miller quotes

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. (Dennis Miller)
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. View quote
Dennis Miller
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. View quote
Dennis Miller
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. View quote
Dennis Miller
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. View quote
Dennis Miller
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. View quote
Dennis Miller
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. View quote
Dennis Miller
I rant, therefore I am. View quote
Dennis Miller
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. View quote
Dennis Miller
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. View quote
Dennis Miller
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love. (Dennis Miller)
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. View quote
Dennis Miller
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube. View quote
Dennis Miller
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. View quote
Dennis Miller
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. View quote
Dennis Miller
Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy. View quote
Dennis Miller
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club. View quote
Dennis Miller
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? View quote
Dennis Miller
One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. View quote
Dennis Miller
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. View quote
Dennis Miller
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. (Dennis Miller)
I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends. View quote
Dennis Miller
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. View quote
Dennis Miller
Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. View quote
Dennis Miller
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. View quote
Dennis Miller