Bill Maher quotes - page 2

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do. (Bill Maher)
There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder." View quote
Bill Maher
Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy. View quote
Bill Maher
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something. View quote
Bill Maher
We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together. View quote
Bill Maher
What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade! View quote
Bill Maher
Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt? View quote
Bill Maher
I'd like to protect children, too, but... is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. [...] They've midwived a lot of good ideas... lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. [...] I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it. View quote
Bill Maher
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse. View quote
Bill Maher
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid. View quote
Bill Maher
Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective. (Bill Maher)
The values of Western civilization are not just different, they're better. I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism, that all civilizations are just different. No, not always. Sometimes things are better. Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy. Equality of the sexes, better. Protection of minorities, better. Free speech, better. View quote
Bill Maher
Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy. View quote
Bill Maher
I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream- to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too. View quote
Bill Maher
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair. View quote
Bill Maher
I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. I didn't know that, nobody.. told me that. But when homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid. View quote
Bill Maher
Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail -- do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail -- gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high! View quote
Bill Maher
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it. View quote
Bill Maher
Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance. View quote
Bill Maher
I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma. View quote
Bill Maher
That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity. (Bill Maher)
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'. View quote
Bill Maher
Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream? View quote
Bill Maher
"Couples should explore their mutual fantasies." There's no such thing as a mutual fantasy. Yours bore us; ours offend you. View quote
Bill Maher
Isn't he [Bush] the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas. View quote
Bill Maher