Bill Maher quotes

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." (Bill Maher)
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids. View quote
Bill Maher
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. View quote
Bill Maher
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly. View quote
Bill Maher
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists. View quote
Bill Maher
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. View quote
Bill Maher
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. View quote
Bill Maher
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. View quote
Bill Maher
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? View quote
Bill Maher
Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on? View quote
Bill Maher
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too. (Bill Maher)
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job. View quote
Bill Maher
Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who's trying to kill u - u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her. View quote
Bill Maher
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it? View quote
Bill Maher
It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the greatest wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife." View quote
Bill Maher
I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing - Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner". View quote
Bill Maher
I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on THE FLINTSTONES! View quote
Bill Maher
Over the last 30 odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into a mental hospital. So what we have is one perfectly good party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, banks, defense contractors, big agriculture and the pharmaceutical lobby... That's the Democrats. And they sit across the aisle from a small group of religious lunatics, flat-earthers and civil war re-enactors who mostly communicate by AM radio and call themselves the Republicans and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He's not even a liberal. View quote
Bill Maher
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them. View quote
Bill Maher
Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. View quote
Bill Maher
The true Axis of Evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people. (Bill Maher)
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that. View quote
Bill Maher
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence. View quote
Bill Maher
I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility. View quote
Bill Maher
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined. View quote
Bill Maher