Jay London quotes - page 2

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings. (Jay London)
I was born nine months premature. View quote
Jay London
I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling. View quote
Jay London
Did you know it was a year ago today? View quote
Jay London
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. View quote
Jay London
I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else. View quote
Jay London
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm. View quote
Jay London
You know what burns me? Matches. View quote
Jay London
People read me but they don't subscribe. View quote
Jay London
I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough. View quote
Jay London
Does anybody know what I'm doing up here? (Jay London)
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. View quote
Jay London
I get all my hair products at PetCo. (Jay's hair is long, curly, and quite messy) View quote
Jay London
Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate. View quote
Jay London
I go around slashing tire prices. View quote
Jay London
Take my life, please. View quote
Jay London
Am I bothering you, miss? View quote
Jay London
Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show) View quote
Jay London
I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough. View quote
Jay London
(In a tone suggesting a reference to his upbringing) I was brought up on charges. View quote
Jay London
So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls) (Jay London)
I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me." View quote
Jay London
I'm addicted to prescription glasses. View quote
Jay London
I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop. View quote
Jay London
It'll be over soon, miss. View quote
Jay London