Larry the Cable Guy quotes - page 2

Larry the Cable Guy is an American comedian and actor, famous for his "Git-R-Done!" catchphrase and blue-collar humor. His stand-up routines and roles in movies have made him a beloved figure in American comedy. He continues to entertain audiences with his distinctive southern persona and quick wit. Here are 51 of his quotes:

I don't judge people by their accent, or how they word things, or how grammatically correct their speech is. Some of the smartest men in the world couldn't spell. I judge a person by their character.

Larry the Cable Guy

I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it.

Larry the Cable Guy

That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!

Larry the Cable Guy

Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!

Larry the Cable Guy

I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.

Larry the Cable Guy

I was madder than a quadriplegic with a stag full of scratch off tickets, I'll tell you what.

Larry the Cable Guy

She was worried about childbirth too cause she's little, you know. She's all scared. She's like, "When I have this kid, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." And I'm like "That's how ya were when you got pregnant!" That's full circle, right there! I did feel bad. That's tough. I'm tellin' ya. I felt horrible for her. Just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing and sweating, biting down on a stick... Ugh! Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets. You ever eat them Hot Pockets? Good Lord! I was backed up like a urinal on Saint Patrick's Day after eating them damn things. It was embarrassing. She's in the bed, giving b-[Grunting] I'm on the toilet next to her, [grunting] You know? I'm like "I need another Epidural in here if you got one!"

Larry the Cable Guy

Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?

Larry the Cable Guy

You know, you can tell the difference between a terrorist and a toddler. On a terrorist, the diaper is gonna be on the head, all right? That's how you can tell the difference. [very loud applause] It's upsetting. Unbelievable. They got absolutely nothing in common except both diapers are full of crap.

Larry the Cable Guy

I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. (laughs) I might as well have just used the dollar.

Larry the Cable Guy

I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"

Larry the Cable Guy

I think probably one of the coolest things was when I went to play basketball at Rucker Park in Harlem. First of all, who would think that Larry the Cable Guy would go to Harlem to play basketball? And I was received like a rock star. It was amazing! There were people everywhere. There were guys walking by yelling, Git r done!

Larry the Cable Guy

[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass!"

Larry the Cable Guy

[about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit got to do with underbritches? I guess it's to remind us when we take them down we go, "Oh, I should've eaten more fruit today. I guess."

Larry the Cable Guy

I'm so sick of gay this, gay that. I could care less. It ain't affecting my life at all.

Larry the Cable Guy

Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks.

Larry the Cable Guy

I'm saying, Come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?

Larry the Cable Guy

We try to make the name longer and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular.' Then it was 'It's a Very Larry Christmas.' Now it's 'Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-palooza Christmas Luau.' I'll tell you what it is: It's funny. That's what it is. Who cares what the name of it is? It is a funny special.

Larry the Cable Guy

It's nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.

Larry the Cable Guy

I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.'

Larry the Cable Guy

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

Larry the Cable Guy

What I do onstage, there's maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They're really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love 'em; they're awesome. They're good people.

Larry the Cable Guy