Sam Kinison quotes - page 2

"They beat us, they beat us, they made us do their BLOW! (Sam Kinison)
Jesus' Wife: "And where have YOU been for the past three days, Mr. Winemaker?" Jesus Christ: "It's okay, I'll tell you...Not that's important or anything, but I was DEAD!!! I'M IN A FUCKIN' GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTIN' DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE! I'M CHANGIN' SPIRITUAL FORM, ABOUT TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO "WAIT A SECOND! I GOTTA GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!" View quote
Sam Kinison
How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love? View quote
Sam Kinison
Today we're going to try and say his name...OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name--OH! OHHH!" View quote
Sam Kinison
[On Iraq] These have got to be the most stupid people on the planet. "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's have a war with the number one military power on the planet!" But we did have to face... their weapon of death. The Scud missile. If K-Mart were a weapon's dealer, they would make: the Scud missile. But it's kind of like a smart bomb. You just fire it out of the trunk of your car... and then turn on CNN to see where it landed! So it's kind of like a smart bomb! View quote
Sam Kinison
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change. View quote
Sam Kinison
Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden. View quote
Sam Kinison
Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth. View quote
Sam Kinison
Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad. View quote
Sam Kinison
Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?' View quote
Sam Kinison
My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it! (Sam Kinison)
It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that. View quote
Sam Kinison
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order. View quote
Sam Kinison
If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together. View quote
Sam Kinison
I'd rather entertain people than offend them. View quote
Sam Kinison
What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not? View quote
Sam Kinison
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her! View quote
Sam Kinison
I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass? View quote
Sam Kinison
Oh, god, where's the fuckin' bottle, you fuckin' whore?! DID HE FUCK YOU WITH THIS TOO?! Yes-- OH, SHUT UP!!! HE DID EVERYTHING TO YOU, OH, GOD!!!! View quote
Sam Kinison
We don't WANT to drink and drive ... But there's no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!! View quote
Sam Kinison
I didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal, there's bigger news stories happening. There's a guy in Milwaukee with heads in his icebox, but our top story is: Sam Kinison missed the Joan Rivers Show. It's like I'm the only guy in show business that's fucked up recently. There's a couple guys that, I think, have like outdone me a little bit. Like Rick fucking James, for starters. I missed a show, I didn't torture a woman with a fucking base pipe, I'm not out on $500,000 bail. I'm not Billy Preston, who's going "ah, donde esta la fiesta?" How about Axl Rose, who has a warrant out for his arrest in the state of Missouri for inciting a riot, $300,000 worth of damage, 60 people injured, and I MISSED A SHOW! (Sam Kinison)
[On the Kurds] They're the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks! View quote
Sam Kinison
I'm goin', what the fuck am I bustin' my ass for, doin' HBO specials, doin' fuckin' concerts, when I could just write rap songs? How hard is this shit to do?! Here's my first rap single: "Lick Me Where I Fuck and Pee". There it is! My first rap hit! 'Lick Me Where I Fuck and Pee!" I got a hit! That's where it's at! I got another song, for men, especially for men, in general: 'You Call That A Fuck, You Lazy Bitch?' Oh! OH! This song is gonna go through the fuckin' roof, trust me! We're talkin' about a song that's gonna go through the roof! They'll call me Grammy Sammy after that fuckin' song. Wait! I got another one! I got another one! 'Who Farted in My New Car?' You can't stop me! Fuck MC Hammer, 'You Can't Touch This'- YOU CAN'T STOP ME! I'm a rap song writing machine now, look out! View quote
Sam Kinison