Eddie Izzard quotes - page 2
I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.
Eddie Izzard
So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh ... Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and ... and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."
Eddie Izzard
Beekeepers, yes ... they've gotta want to be – "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom ... I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps." And their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] "I'm covered in bees!"
Eddie Izzard
So, I thought, it's not working. So I threw my breasts out of the window of my Lamborghini, in my mind ... no, I threw the breasts out of the window of my Ford Fiesta, in my mind. Actually, I threw them out over the handlebars of my bicycle [mouthing the words] in my mind. And they hit a small child, who ran, "Mum, mum, mum ... I've been attacked by ... jellyfish!"
Eddie Izzard
Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I'm trying to be a myth; give us cash!" "No, I'm not gonna give you cash." "Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?" "No, I'm ... comfortable." "That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?
Eddie Izzard
Homo Sapiens wouldn't have made it, and everything would be different! Television would be ... you know, Book of the Month club on television would be:
Neanderthal presenter: "And now we have the professor ... uh ... whaddayou think of this book?"
Neanderthal professor: "Wha' ...?"
Presenter: "What do you think of this book, in a critical way?"
Eddie Izzard
