A. P. Herbert quotes

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time. (A. P. Herbert)
A high-brow is someone who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso. View quote
A. P. Herbert
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament. View quote
A. P. Herbert
The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. View quote
A. P. Herbert
The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravity Are constructed with considerable care. View quote
A. P. Herbert
Don't let's go to the dogs tonight, For mother will be there. View quote
A. P. Herbert
Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offences, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable. View quote
A. P. Herbert
For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin. View quote
A. P. Herbert
Justice should be cheap but judges expensive. View quote
A. P. Herbert
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. View quote
A. P. Herbert
As my poor father used to say In 1963, Once people start on all this Art Goodbye, moralitee! And what my father used to say Is good enough for me. (A. P. Herbert)
A man who has made up his mind on a given subject twenty-five years ago and continues to hold his political opinions after he has been proved to be wrong is a man of principle; while he who from time to time adapts his opinions to the changing circumstances of life is an opportunist. View quote
A. P. Herbert
The whole Constitution has been erected upon the assumption that the King not only is capable of doing wrong but is more likely to do wrong than other men if he is given the chance. View quote
A. P. Herbert
Let's stop somebody from doing something! Everybody does too much. View quote
A. P. Herbert
Let's find out what everyone is doing, And then stop everyone from doing it. View quote
A. P. Herbert
If nobody said anything unless he knew what he was talking about, a ghastly hush would descend upon the earth. View quote
A. P. Herbert
This high official, all allow, is grossly overpaid; there wasn't any Board, and now there isn't any Trade. View quote
A. P. Herbert
Was the cow crossed?" "No, your worship, it was an open cow. View quote
A. P. Herbert
It cannot be too clearly understood that this is not a free country, and it will be an evil day for the legal profession when it is. View quote
A. P. Herbert
How proud upon your quarterdeck you stand, Conductor, Captain of the mighty bus! Like some Columbus you survey the Strand, A calm newcomer in a sea of fuss. View quote
A. P. Herbert
Bus driver, bus driver, the sirens have gone, The bombs may come down, but the buses go on; Bus driver, I know you won't think me a snob If I whisper: "Bus driver, I don't want your job." (A. P. Herbert)
It is like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock, which not only is itself discredited but casts a shade of doubt over all previous assertions. View quote
A. P. Herbert
The laws were very comical; to bet was voted lax, But your betting was the only thing that nobody could tax. View quote
A. P. Herbert
There's alcohol in plant and tree. It must be Nature's plan That there should be in fair degree Some alcohol in Man. View quote
A. P. Herbert
The Farmer will never be happy again; He carries his heart in his boots; For either the rain is destroying his grain Or the drought is destroying his roots. View quote
A. P. Herbert