Mitch Hedberg quotes - page 6

Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be... Fuckin'... Surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke, like "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off. (Mitch Hedberg)
I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what? View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... So I kicked it. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. (Mitch Hedberg)
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? View quote
Mitch Hedberg
My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. (Mitch Hedberg)
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I sick of soup of the day it's time we made a decision, i want to know what soup from now on is. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly. View quote
Mitch Hedberg