Mitch Hedberg quotes - page 5

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! (Mitch Hedberg)
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. (Mitch Hedberg)
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. (Mitch Hedberg)
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said Fk it. Cut 'em up. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like' View quote
Mitch Hedberg