Mitch Hedberg quotes - page 4

To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there? (Mitch Hedberg)
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let's form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for 'em! Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide. I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts. Well then you're not in the fuckin' club! View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my "Get Rich Slow” scheme... and it's working. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! View quote
Mitch Hedberg
A guy told me he liked cherries... But... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato... Before I realized he likes cherries just... All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya! View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!" (Mitch Hedberg)
I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said, "Do you want me to put them in a bag?" I said, "Oh no, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, bag 'em up!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show) View quote
Mitch Hedberg
The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye! View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says "Can I help you?" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just an, "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate... That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory "You owe me some letters!" View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I dressed up for the CD. (Mitch Hedberg)
I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero? View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. View quote
Mitch Hedberg