Mitch Hedberg quotes - page 2

I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies. (Mitch Hedberg)

I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!

Mitch Hedberg

I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!"

Mitch Hedberg

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Mitch Hedberg

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

Mitch Hedberg

A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.

Mitch Hedberg

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

Mitch Hedberg

Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one... and every one on the bottom row!"

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. (Mitch Hedberg)

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

Mitch Hedberg

I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."

Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

Mitch Hedberg

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.

Mitch Hedberg

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"

Mitch Hedberg

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Mitch Hedberg

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

Mitch Hedberg

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin.'

Mitch Hedberg

My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.

Mitch Hedberg

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. (Mitch Hedberg)

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That's a showbiz term for "add sugar to."

Mitch Hedberg

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

Mitch Hedberg

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Mitch Hedberg

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