Mitch Hedberg quotes

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. (Mitch Hedberg)
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. (Mitch Hedberg)
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' View quote
Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a. m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a. m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a. m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under 'D', for doughnut." View quote
Mitch Hedberg
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at... (Mitch Hedberg)
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time. View quote
Mitch Hedberg
I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. View quote
Mitch Hedberg