Chelsea Handler quotes

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. (Chelsea Handler)

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Chelsea Handler

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

Chelsea Handler

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

Chelsea Handler

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

Chelsea Handler

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Chelsea Handler

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Chelsea Handler

Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Chelsea Handler

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus. (Chelsea Handler)

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

Chelsea Handler

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl.

Chelsea Handler

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Chelsea Handler

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

Chelsea Handler

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

Chelsea Handler

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

Chelsea Handler

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

Chelsea Handler

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together. (Chelsea Handler)

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Chelsea Handler

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

Chelsea Handler

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