Jack Handey quotes

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. (Jack Handey)
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. View quote
Jack Handey
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records. View quote
Jack Handey
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. View quote
Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. View quote
Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." View quote
Jack Handey
IF YOU ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone. View quote
Jack Handey