Kathy Griffin quotes

I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a "singer"......the way Courtney Love is a "singer." (Kathy Griffin)
I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!
Kathy Griffin
It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!
Kathy Griffin
I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be...ahm.... voluptuous!
Kathy Griffin
If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.
Kathy Griffin
(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually....... um..... retarded!
Kathy Griffin
Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out?"
Kathy Griffin
[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?
Kathy Griffin
This thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's. He gets his eyelashes dyed. He goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair. Very butch. Very typical of straight men!
Kathy Griffin
If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas... it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.
Kathy Griffin
I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits.... and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side! (Kathy Griffin)
Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank...haaa haaa haaa haaa...heugen fleugen heugen fleugen...hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda...
Kathy Griffin
I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!
Kathy Griffin
I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God.... Hi!"
Kathy Griffin
They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"... I want the ride!
Kathy Griffin
She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it.
Kathy Griffin
She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house!"
Kathy Griffin
When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it........... and come back!
Kathy Griffin
The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.
Kathy Griffin
I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!
Kathy Griffin
I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson! (Kathy Griffin)
(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.
Kathy Griffin
(On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off."
Kathy Griffin
Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?"
Kathy Griffin
So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this "Burka - NO"! "Burka - BAD!"
Kathy Griffin