Zach Galifianakis quotes

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? (Zach Galifianakis)
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!" View quote
Zach Galifianakis
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
I call my balls the bush twins. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O. J. thing? View quote
Zach Galifianakis
I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something." (Zach Galifianakis)
I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman). View quote
Zach Galifianakis
Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name. (Zach Galifianakis)
I once played charades with a couple that was deaf..... they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired. View quote
Zach Galifianakis
If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike... View quote
Zach Galifianakis
This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!" View quote
Zach Galifianakis