Quotesdtb.com
Home
Authors
Quotes of the day
Top quotes
Topics
Jeff Foxworthy quotes - page 3
I really don't require a whole lot in life.
Jeff Foxworthy
I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.
Jeff Foxworthy
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
Jeff Foxworthy
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
Jeff Foxworthy
If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
Jeff Foxworthy
I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
Jeff Foxworthy
There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.
Jeff Foxworthy
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more."
Jeff Foxworthy
"Women [in bed] are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like...bottle rockets. Ooh. Aah.
Jeff Foxworthy
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. And if you play with 'em too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer. I like to shake my daughter up, then hand her to people I don't like. "Hold her just a minute, would you?"
Jeff Foxworthy
You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"
Jeff Foxworthy
My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."
Jeff Foxworthy
[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."
Jeff Foxworthy
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
Jeff Foxworthy
I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
Jeff Foxworthy
On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
Jeff Foxworthy
[what men are thinking] I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.
Jeff Foxworthy
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
Jeff Foxworthy
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
Jeff Foxworthy
I know God is real.
Jeff Foxworthy
Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.
Jeff Foxworthy
I think {the designated driver program} is a great idea, because anything is safer than the way we used to do it: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"...The only problem with the designated driver program {is} it's not the world's most desirable job...But if you ever get talked into doing it, have fun with the group. Like at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard or something.
Jeff Foxworthy
Previous
1
2
3
(Current)
4
Next