Jeff Foxworthy quotes

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' (Jeff Foxworthy)
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot! View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that! View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same. (Jeff Foxworthy)
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window! View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. (Jeff Foxworthy)
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip. View quote
Jeff Foxworthy