Bill Engvall quotes - page 2

Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate when I hear guys go "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs. You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. [Points to member of the audience] Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. Little girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was GREAT!" (Bill Engvall)
This year, ladies and gentlemen, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Air Force Thunderbirds. (Audience hoots and hollers) You betcha! They called me up out of the blue, and they go, "Hey, we want you to fly with us." And I'm like, "You got the right number?" They said, "Yeah, Bill Engvall, comedian. You stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." I'm like, (dork voice) "Be an honor to fly with 'ya." He goes, "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I go, "Well, you're screwed." View quote
Bill Engvall
She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh . . . is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!" View quote
Bill Engvall
Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long. View quote
Bill Engvall
[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button. View quote
Bill Engvall
Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem: Sometimes her questions actually make sense, I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to do that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking. View quote
Bill Engvall
Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad". View quote
Bill Engvall
[about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]. View quote
Bill Engvall
[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]. View quote
Bill Engvall
(mimicking a big fish talking to a little fish) View quote
Bill Engvall
[after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin]. (Bill Engvall)
[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]. View quote
Bill Engvall
On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer. View quote
Bill Engvall
Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway. View quote
Bill Engvall
Engvall is waiting for an elevator. A man walks up. View quote
Bill Engvall
In the store, Bill is buying some pants. View quote
Bill Engvall
After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked. View quote
Bill Engvall
Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway. View quote
Bill Engvall
Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner. View quote
Bill Engvall
As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:. View quote
Bill Engvall