Louis C.K. quotes

All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, "Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup.”. (Louis C.K.)
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, "Ugh" ..." View quote
Louis C.K.
Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet. View quote
Louis C.K.
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!" View quote
Louis C.K.
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from– harder than climbing from nothing to something, even. View quote
Louis C.K.
My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny. View quote
Louis C.K.
People say ‘my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. View quote
Louis C.K.
The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. View quote
Louis C.K.
It's been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln ... He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that's what he did. View quote
Louis C.K.
If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have. View quote
Louis C.K.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people. (Louis C.K.)
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth. View quote
Louis C.K.
There's a need to perfect things in a writers' room, and that can take a lot of fun out of a show sometimes. It's a struggle. It depends on your personality. Some people love working with a writing staff. I had a great writing staff on Lucky Louie, but it sometimes felt like Congress or something. View quote
Louis C.K.
Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don't. View quote
Louis C.K.
Well, I think "likability” is an overused word. I don't watch people 'cause I like them; I watch them because they're compelling. Sympathetic is a little different ... Likable just thins you out. Working to make a character likable is what kills most TV shows. View quote
Louis C.K.
Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about. View quote
Louis C.K.
Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars. View quote
Louis C.K.
The earliest stand-up comedy I was aware of was Bill Cosby ... I watched Saturday Night Live as soon as I was aware of it, and Monty Python used to be on PBS at weird hours, so I used to try to watch that. And I loved George Carlin on SNL, that was the first stand-up I ever really remember seeing on TV. And then Steve Martin. I guess I was in fifth or sixth grade when Steve Martin showed up, and he was instantly my idol. And Richard Pryor around the same time too, I sort of became aware of him, though I don't remember the first time I saw him. View quote
Louis C.K.
The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access TV station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself. View quote
Louis C.K.
I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school ... Technical high school, that's where dreams are narrowed down. We tell our children, "You can do anything you want.” Their whole lives. "You can do anything!” But this place, we take kids – they're 15, they're young – and we tell them, "You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.”. View quote
Louis C.K.
I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening veeery slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair. (Louis C.K.)
Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce ... That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. View quote
Louis C.K.
There's a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It's literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It's a huge amount of work. View quote
Louis C.K.
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation. View quote
Louis C.K.
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way. View quote
Louis C.K.