Frankie Boyle quotes

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'. (Frankie Boyle)

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

Frankie Boyle

The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.

Frankie Boyle

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! An Alcoholic racist!

Frankie Boyle

You've got a blank face there pal, if you hold that expression for long enough you'd get fucking switched off.

Frankie Boyle

Men don't have to assess women, that's why we can objectify them so quickly. On some level, we don't really give a fuck. A man can see a woman with a heavy cold and all he'd think would be "I would rattle that fucking phlegm loose."

Frankie Boyle

Comic relief raised £8 million last year. Britain sold hundreds of millions worth of weapons last year to Africa. So next year, one country in Africa will get blown to smithereens, and the next country along will get a visit from Lenny Henry. And both will feel bitterly jealous of each other.

Frankie Boyle

3 Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Frankie Boyle

When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.

Frankie Boyle

I wish the Queen had died the night before the Royal Jubilee – I wish she'd just fucking died. But they wouldn't have been able to tell us that she'd died. They would have had to hollow out her body and get that guy who plays Gollum to wear it.

Frankie Boyle

There is a vegetarian option: you can fuck off. (Frankie Boyle)

Apparently Jordan and Peter Andre are fighting each other over custody of Harvey, well eventually one of them'll lose and have to keep him. I have a theory that Jordan married a cage fighter cause she needed someone strong enough to stop Harvey from fucking her.

Frankie Boyle

There's two empty seats right middle - this is supposed to be sold out, where are they? I hope they're dead in a fucking car crash!

Frankie Boyle

People get the wrong idea about me, they think I'm depressed or something - I'm not depressed. I don't wish that I was dead, I wish... that you were all dead.

Frankie Boyle

I do think that getting a dog says something about you, it says; I'm so lonely that I could pick up shit.

Frankie Boyle

I thought it was sad, you know, that they had that pop concert to commemorate Diana. I mean, she didn't have much to do with pop music, did she? They should've done something that celebrated what was really great about her life: By staging a gangbang in a minefield.

Frankie Boyle

["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] What's that Joker, you'll be back? Somehow I don't think you will be.

Frankie Boyle

["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the World Trade Center!

Frankie Boyle

[Talking about Richard Hammond's high-speed dragster crash] That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.[Mimicking Richard Hammond] "She was wearing black... or was it red? Am I married?"

Frankie Boyle

Ministry of Defence? At least in the old days we were honest, called it the Ministry of War. "Hello, Ministry of War, department of nigger-bombing. How can I help?"

Frankie Boyle

(Speaking about French and Italian tabloids printing naked topless photos of Kate Middleton) (Frankie Boyle)

(Speaking about Ricky Gervais' joke about trans women)

Frankie Boyle

I'm gonna leave yous with one final piece of advice, and my advice is; never trust the super rich. What's the first thing they do when they get rich, they buy a yacht. Ever been on a yacht? It's like being in a two star hotel on fucking roller-skates. The only reason anyone would want to own a yacht is so that they can abduct children, sail them out to international waters, fuck them, and dispose of their bodies. And that's what everyone who owns a yacht... is doing. I don't care who it is, J. K. Rowling? I have to say, for legal reasons, that J. K. Rowling is not fucking and killing children in international waters... to the best of my knowledge. That's what's happening out there; the sea levels aren't rising, it's just the weight of dead, fucked kids. The sea isn't even salty.

Frankie Boyle

I've had a few medical problems this year: I'm now so old, that my pussy is haunted.(series 4, episode 1; What the Queen didn't say in her Christmas message)

Frankie Boyle